Saturday, May 29, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
I like keeping journals, I especially like reading journals. I like the way reading my words stirs up thoughts and feelings as if my brain were a library filled with dusty old books full of memories.
When Adam and I first started dating he inspired me, I wanted to write everything down, I never wanted to forget the things he said to me, the things that filled me with butterflies, dates we went on, feelings I had, I wanted it all to last forever on paper so that I could refer back to my precious memories years from now.
This is one of my favorite memories, this is the night that I realized that Adam would be my husband.
"You’re my favorite" he tells her sweetly, "Goodnight".
She fumbled for her keys, trying not to act suspicious, she takes her time unlocking the door to her apartment.
"Goodnight" She repeated back.
A hint of disappointment in her voice. Don’t go she thought, just stay with me a little while longer. Don’t go…
It was pouring rain and the stairwell provide them shelter from a weeping sky.
He took her in for another strong, loving embrace, held for a moment longer than usual; she knew he didn’t want to let go either. But he did. He let go and kissed her forehead tenderly and walked down the stairs, out to the rain cover side walk.
Her lips curved into a smile, she was filled with contentment and hope as she watched him walk away in the dark, a hood covering his sandy hair, head phones blaring with music she hated. Hanging on his every step her eyes followed him until he was out of sight.
She turned to walk into an empty apartment, but stopped. In an instant, seemingly without permission from her brain, and completely automatically her legs acted as an extension from her heart, they took her out in to the cold night, barefoot and in a dress, she ran to him. With no regard for tact, rules, or discretion she was acting on desire alone. She needed him. She wanted him. And in that moment there just wasn't any other way.
Hesitation almost caused her to turn back, rationality swept over her and suddenly she wondered what he might think. Such a forward action would surely cause him to think differently of her. A stream of "what am I doing?" type thoughts filled her brain and she questioned herself. After what seemed to be an eternity of debate between, head and heart , she knew her legs couldn’t be stopped so she kept running, her heart pulling her toward him like a magnet.
Finally, she reached him, in one bold move she wrapped her arms around him from behind. Startled, he whipped around to find her soaked and smiling. She was laughing and breathing hard. Still unsure of what she had just done.
"I'm sorry, I just couldn’t, couldn’t - I just couldn’t let you go…then…there…back there at my apartment", she stumble over the words she hadn't planned to say, hoping for a reaction that would justify her actions.
"I'm sor-", she was cut off by his lips finding hers.
He kissed her. He took her head in his hands and kissed her. An honest, passion filled, amazing, life altering, magical, kiss. The rain fell on their heads as they stood in the street. She pulled away to make sure that he was real, that this was really happening. To her disbelief, it was happening. He was happening. He looked in her eyes with the same disbelief. A feeling that she was becoming more and more familiar with. She smiled and buried her face in his chest, drenched in emotion, and rain. She struggled to take it all in, never wanting it to end; the rain, the kiss and for the first time so far in this premature relationship she realized that she didn't want it to end either.
It was a real life picture perfect moment, a moment that only happens once or twice in a lifetime. A moment that fills a person up till they're overflowing with sensation and emotion that washes over them till they're nearly drowning in it. The kind of moment that needs no words. Unnecessary of words that couldn’t even come close to providing it justice.
"Wow" managed to escape his perfect lips, "where have you been?" he asked her.
She smiled and stood on her tip toes to kiss his cheek.
A familiar exchange of words:
"Goodnight" she whispered.
"Night sweetheart" he said.
She took a last gaze into his brown eyes, and reluctantly turned to run back to her apartment, her hair and dress drenched, heart full.
She ran up the stairs into a dry living room; closing the door behind her she collapsed onto the wall seeking its support to hold her up. Unsure if her legs would be able to keep her standing much longer, her knees grew weak and a smile again found her face as she slid down the wall.
In that quiet moment alone sitting on the living room floor of her empty apartment her mind became clear--she came to a realization that no longer scarred her: this is it, He is it.